Idealism and Reality April 18, 2010

I was recently slammed on an online forum for my idea of having my kids trade reading time for Nintendo DS time.  I didn’t think twice about sharing my idea because it works for us- even though I have tried practically everything to get my kids to love reading, Ethan has always been a reluctant reader.  I have been reading out loud to him since he was in my womb, but he never took to reading alone and still much prefers to be read to.  I have surrounded them with good literature and always read in front of them.  But Ethan would never pick up a book on his own until this year, unless there was some kind of strong motivating factor.  This year at Christmas, they received their first DS consoles and this has worked wonders as a motivating factor. 

The idea is that if they read for 30 minutes, they earn an equal amount of DS time, though they can not have more than 1 hour of total screen time on any given day.  Since then, Ethan has started reading like mad!  While at first it may have been just to earn DS time, the extra practice made him a better and more confident reader and exposed him to books  that he may never have chosen to read otherwise.  He discovered how interesting his books actually are and has started picking up books without even asking for DS time, but just because he wants to find out what happens next. 

In this way,  DS was a saving grace, but the criticism from some other  mothers on the forum was that reading should not be treated as a chore to be rewarded with video games when completed.

At first I was really offended at their condescension and outright scorning of my idea.  But then I realized that many years ago, when my children were very young or before I had children, I probably would have had the same opinion.  When I stopped to think about it, it surprised me at how far I have strayed from that naive idealism of years past.

But was it naive?  Should I try harder to stick to these ideals that were once sacred to me?  Or do I do what works?  I was once adamantly against sticker charts- I felt that behaviors should be changed for intrinsic reasons, not for the sake of getting a sticker or other reward.  But when I was finally desperate enough to try it, I found that it served well to form a habit of behavior, a la Pavlov’s dog, and then after discontinuing the chart the desired behavior remained because the habit had already been formed.

I feel the same about the DS time, I guess.  As soon as the reading habit has been established, I will amend the DS time rules accordingly. 

Parents should never rule out possibilities no matter how far from your ideals they seem!  Although it is hard not to be judgmental, you never know when you will find yourself in the position of having to consider things that you never would have considered before, but if it works, why not??

Penis Envy March 25, 2010

Freud talked about girls envying boys’ penises, but what about boys’ envying other boys’ penises?  That’s what I need to know more about!

Today after school, we were eating snack as usual and we started talking about how Joshua drank Ethan’s pee when they were taking a bath one day (yes, extremely gross, I know!) Joshua had put one end of a plastic tube in his mouth and Ethan put his penis on the other end and peed into it!

Anyway…so told them not to do any gross stuff like that anymore.  Of course, sneaky preteen that Ethan is, he said that they would just lock the bathroom door and do gross stuff so I won’t see.  I said that they are absolutely not allowed to lock the bathroom door!  Then Ethan protested that then I would be able to open the door and see their penises, to which I replied that I MADE those penises and that if I wanted to see them, I could.  Ethan thought about this for a while and then replied, “But Mommy, I was just wondering, if you made our penises, then why did you make Joshua’s so GIANT and mine so small?  Because it’s really true- his penis is so much bigger!  Even when I make it the biggest, it’s only this big (shows me with his fingers) and Joshua’s is like THIS big!  And he can make his penis into an omelette and I can’t!”

Okay, I guess I have to explain what an “omelette” is.  My boys are not circumsized and Joshua can do this weird thing by pulling the skin on his penis a certain way and his penis will be all wrapped up nicely in it like a ball.  THAT is a penis omelette!

As if I am not rolling on the floor laughing hard enough (no pun intended), Ethan goes on to say, “Yeah, and his penis gets so big so easily!  He just has to rub it a few times and it becomes GIANT!  And I have to try so hard to make it a little bigger! And when it’s the biggest, it’s so hard like a bone!  And Joshua’s is like a big piece of rubber!  It’s not fair- my penis is so boring and Joshua’s can do so many things!”

Freud?  Any advice on this one??

Scariness February 21, 2010

For most parents, the scariest scenario you could probably think of usually involves some kind of freak accident involving your children.  I myself have imagined my children getting hit by cars, falling off the top of the monkey bars, and other accidents that involve  a lot of blood, broken bones, or both.  My body always gives an involuntary head to toes shudder whenever these thoughts float into my mind, probably to try to shake them right out of my head.  When hearing of trips to the ER that my friends have had to make with their children, I have silently said to myself, “I am so glad it wasn’t my child!” and when caring for students who have been injured at school, I always wondered how I would handle it if it had been my child.  Well, the day I knew would come one day finally came.  My number was up.

It was bedtime and I asked my kids to brush their teeth and meet me on my bed for a story.  Joshua came in first and jumped on my bed.  Joshua is an incredible bed jumper.  He can do somersaults in the air and flip and twirl, you name it.  I have always allowed my children to jump on my bed because my bed is pretty big  and they have always shown good enough coordination to stay on the bed.  Well, I was sitting at my desk checking my e-mail and from the corner of my eye, I saw Joshua leap forward on the bed, like he was playing leapfrog.  I turned to look just as he went flying, face-first, totally horizontal like Superman, right into the edge of my TV cabinet, which is only about a foot and a half in front of the bed.  I heard a sickening CRACK and then his head slid up onto the cabinet.  I scooped him up and turned him over, knowing even before I saw his face that we would be headed for the ER.  Sure enough, right along the lower edge of his left eyebrow was a gaping gash, and blood started gushing out down his face and onto the bed as he let out a heart breaking wail.  I shouted for my husband and grabbed some tissues to apply pressure to the wound.  I tried desperately to remember everything that I learned during my first aid course at school.  Staying calm was the first and most important thing to do, but I was having a hard time getting my hands to stop shaking.  Although I wasn’t screaming, I know my voice must have sounded at least slightly hysterical and I struggled to keep my tone as even as I could so I wouldn’t freak out Joshua.  I had my husband continue to apply pressure while I changed my clothes and then found some gauze and medical tape to cover the wound.  Ethan’s eyes were big and wide as he watched us and he tried to help as much as he could, sensing the seriousness of the situation.

It is truly a gut wrenching experience to see your child’s flesh ripped open and his blood flowing out of his body…there are really no words to describe it accurately enough and I would never wish it upon anyone.

Although he was whimpering, Joshua did not cry at all on the way to the hospital.  We explained what the doctors would probably do and asked him to be brave.  Luckily (or not), I had already been to the ER when one of my former students fell at the playground and I needed to take her for stitches, almost exactly in the same spot, quite coincidentally, so I knew basically what to expect.  Still, it didn’t stop me from wanting to scream at the ER personnel that my son needed help when I walked through the doors.  When the doctor was finally ready to start working on him, he asked for only one parent to stay.  While I would have stayed had Joshua insisted, I thought it might be better for my husband to stay since he could understand the doctor’s Chinese and I couldn’t.  Joshua was fine with it and I was actually relieved that I would not have to see the procedure.  Afterwards, my husband told me how the doctor had to clean the inside of the wound with alcohol and cotton, gave him around ten local anesthesia shots around and inside the wound, and then finally sutured the wound closed.  Then I was really glad that I was not there.  And Joshua only winced and grimaced, but did not cry at all!  The doctor said that Joshua was the only young kid he has seen who took it so well.  I am so proud of him!  And I cannot help but be thankful that if it had to happen, it happened to Joshua at age 6 instead of Ethan at age 6.  If it had been Ethan when he was 6, I don’t know if I would have even been able to get him to the ER to begin with, and once I did, he would probably have torn the place up, screamed bloody murder the whole time, and hurt at least one or two medical professional before having to be sedated in some way to get the procedure done.  I can’t believe how easy it was to get Joshua through the whole ordeal.

Even though his eye was swollen almost shut the day after, he was still happy as usual and insisting that we stick to our plan to go bowling.  It’s amazing how physically resilient he is!

I am hoping that my ER quota has been filled and that we will not be seeing that place ever again, but I guess you never know.  Thus far, my kids have always just thought that I was making up imaginary dangers when I told them that they could crack their heads open doing something, so at least now they will start to take my warnings more seriously!

A Good Moment February 3, 2010

As moms, we are constantly trying to decide if the way we are raising our children is in fact the best way to go, or if we will live to regret it.  There are far too many moments (or are those just the ones we remember most?) when we say to ourselves, “What did I do wrong?”  It is so infrequent that we ask ourselves, “What did I do right?”  And I stopped to give myself some credit the other day as I was sitting outside the Sushi train restaurant waiting to be seated.

There were only two seats left in the waiting area, so I absentmindedly waved the kids over to the seats to sit down while we waited.  I stood in front of them and started chatting with them.  Ethan interrupted me and said, “Mommy why don’t you sit here?  I feel very uncomfortable when you are standing and we are sitting.”

Eureka!  I have instilled in him a sense of filial piety/chivalry that made him feel guilty sitting when I was standing!  I have to admit that I often judged other moms I saw on the bus or subway, standing up while their child sat.  I kept thinking, “Get up, kid!  Let your mom sit!  She deserves it after all she does for you!”  But the kids never gave their mom the seat.  It fills me with tremendous satisfaction to know that my son would give up his seat for me!

Not that I don’t still have my work cut out for me, though.  When I said, “Joshua, why don’t you sit on my lap so we can all sit?”  He scowled at me, maybe because sitting on his mommy’s lap might make him look like a baby… but then when he didn’t want to, I told Ethan (who is MUCH heavier) to sit on my lap, which he did happily.  Of course, after another seat became available and Ethan moved over, Joshua jumped onto my lap.  Hopefully he will follow his brother’s example in the future!

Boy Readers January 19, 2010

Recently I have had a complete paradigm shift in the way I view boys and reading (and writing).  After reading the book Why Gender Matters by Leonard Sax, it seems that a big part of what was ingrained in me during my college and graduate training has been disproven with the past ten years, and I was totally unaware until now.

The commonly accepted knowledge more than ten years ago was that sex was biologically determined, but gender was socially constructed.  From the moment babies were born they were dressed in pink or blue, cooed at or left to cry more, exposed to Barbies and cars and learned from social convention how they were supposed to behave.  In theory, if you raised a child in a very gender neutral way, that child would not exhibit typical gender-specific behaviors, such as interest in weapons or dolls.  I vowed that that was how I was going to raise my sons- gender neutral.

If you have read my previous posts, you know that somewhere along my parenting journey I have already discovered that this theory was less than fool-proof.  Exhibit A: my two sons.  As gender neutral as I tried to be, they still grew up aggressive, very physical, very interested in fighting and weapons, and when I gave them a doll to play with, they banged it on the floor like a hammer.  Although in the back of my mind I kind of knew that biology may play a  role in it somehow, I also figured that I could not possibly raise my children in a bubble- their father had influence over them, the media, society… I could not shelter them from the images and messages the world was sending them.  And I left it at that.

But now I learn that there are actual physical differences in the way boys’ and girl’ brains function and in the way they process information.  For example, boys (and men) generally use one small area of their brain for language, while girls (and women) use their whole brains.  Boys’ and girls’ eyes are structurally different, each more suitable for processing different environmental stimuli- girls’ eyes have more cells that process color, texture, and human faces, whereas boys’ eyes have way more of the cells that process moving objects.  This explains a lot to me about how boys and girls view the world…

Boys draw verbs, girls draw nouns.

So true in my experience as a mom and teacher.

The book also explained about why boys are being more and more turned off to reading…the majority of teachers are female, and female teachers tend to choose books that other females would like and relate to.  Typically, these books contain a lot of beautiful description or exploring of feelings and relationships- all things that boys’ brains are not wired to be interested in.

This is not to say that boys could never be interested in these things, mind you, just that their brains are not hardwired for it.

That explains so much to me about why I struggled for so many years, exposing my children to what I considered to be the best of children’s literature, and why the one thing that really seemed to excite Ethan was the picture of a toy gun on one of the pages of Mercer Mayer’s There’s a Nightmare in My Closet.  And why I finally had to resort to reading the Captain Underpants series to get him excited about reading.  Boys love action, gross things, and humor.  He also loves non-fiction comic books, something I never would have picked up as a child (and probably wouldn’t even now).

The other day he came home with the assignment to read one chapter of a Ramona Quimby book.  When I was his age, I had already read the entire Ramona series and couldn’t get enough of it.  Well, predictably, it bored him to tears and he just couldn’t remember anything that happened in it because he could not get himself to mentally engage.  He just was not interested.

I watched with interest during a viewing of some animated books at the school I work at for 4-6 year olds.  One story had a lot of action but little or no beautiful language and description.  All of the children were mesmerized by it.  Then came one of my favorite stories, Owl Moon by Jane Yolen, filled with beautiful language and understated feelings.  Almost immediately, the boys in particular could no longer sit still or pay attention.  They were not interested in the imagery and feelings involved- they needed the action!  Of course,(most of) the girls sat pretty still through both.

I am slowly learning to accept the creatures that boys are, and to use their special make up to bring out the best in them.  As Leonard Sax said, the point of acknowledging that there are biological factors involved in gender specific behaviors is not to limit boys or make excuses for them, but to understand them and expand their possibilities.

I hope I can do that with my own sons…stay tuned!

More Funny Stuff November 20, 2009

I have just got to write these funny things they say before they are lost in the oblivion of my mind…

We were at the playground and there was a teenage couple being very intimate and close nearby.  Ethan suddenly shouted, “Mommy, look- LOVE!  They’re LOVING!!” 

This Saturday is Ethan and Joshua’s school Sports Day and Ethan was supposed to run the 100 meter race, but we have to go to a wedding in Taichung.  He was begging me to still let him go, but I told him there was no way we could.  He said, “No wonder it’s called Saturday!  Because that day you are sadder than all the other days!” 

Joshua hit his crotch on the edge of a chair and said he hurt his “baggy balls.”  Then he started rubbing them, then looked up in alarm and asked, “Wait, how many am I supposed to have again?” I told him two then asked, “Why, did you lose one?”  He nodded and looked scared.  After a couple more seconds of rubbing, he said, relieved, “Oh, I found the other one!”

Joshua and I were watching “Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader?” adn there was a question about mammals.  I told him that a mammal means that you have “ne ne” (nipples or boobs).  Since he had no shirt on as usual, he looked at his flat little nipples and said, “I’m a mammal!”  Then he looked at my chest (I WAS wearing  shirt!) and said, “You’re a mammal.  You’re a GIANT mammal!” 

Ethan is telling me as I write this, “These days I don’t want to watch too much TV.  I just think it’s really weird that if you watch TV it rots your brain.  And isn’t it your brain that tells you to watch TV?  Then isn’t your brain trying to kill itself?”

Funny Things They Say and Do September 22, 2009

1. Ethan wrote in his daily journal ins response to the assigment to write about your pet:  My pet is air.  My mom says that it is not good to have an animal for a pet because they will poop all over the house and I think poop is gross.  So, since air does not poop, I think it is a good idea to have air for a pet.

2. Joshua had an obsession with diapers.  We recently bought some diapers to donate to charity and I took one out to let him explore it and get it out of his system.  Little did I know that he would actually put it on and pee in it!  The reason: “I am going to keep it by my bed so that if a thief tries to get into our room I can throw the peepee diaper at his head!”

3. On the first day of school, I made Ethan let me walk him to the gate.  He made me stop half a block before and said, ” Kiss here, ok? I don’t want anyone to see!”

4. Joshua was so proud of himself when he announced that the bathroom door fell off at school and he and his two friends worked together to fix it!  They each had their job- Joshua lifted the door up and put in back on the hinges.  The other kid (Chinese name) helped fit it on the hinges and the third kid (number 19- they all have numbers and he doesn’t know that kid’s name yet) watched to make sure it was fixed.

5. Ethan was play fighting with a friend of his and he told me how he won: “I slammed all my fat meat on him and knocked him down!”

A New School Year September 22, 2009

Well,  new school year has started with Ethan in the third grade and Joshua in kindergarten in the local Taiwanese school.  So far, so good… 

Ethan has a pretty strict teacher this year, which I am feeling ambivalent about.  He has always had very nurturing teachers with a good sense of humor (a must with Ethan) and who understoon his quirky personality.  This year’s teacher doesn’t seem as understanding, and doesn’t seem to find his jokes and sense of humor funny.  But maybe it is time for Ethan to face the real world a bit and straighten himself out.  For the past few years, he has been a slob at school, the only one whose stuff was scattered all around his desk.  He would forget homework at school all the time, but luckily his teacher was nice enough to let him back in the classroom to get his books.  This year, no such luck.  If he forgets, he would not dare go back to the classroom.  He also asked for home lunch because his teacher told them that if they don’t finish EVERYTHING, the next day they have to east lunch standing up.  He said the school lunch is too gross and he just won’t be able to finish it. Okay, so I caved on that one and wake up extra early to pack him a home lunch.  He does finish everything I give him, though!  Maybe now that he is older, this will be a year of great growth and maturity for him.

Joshua adjusted better than anyone expected to!  On the first day, he announced- “You don’t have to go with me, mommy, I can go by myself!”  Of course, I walked him in anyway, but now I walk him to the gate and he goes in by himself and doesn’t even look back.  Of course, it would be nice if he did look back…  His teacher says he has no language problems and even though he complains a lot and rarely says anything good about school, I know he is doing well.  I just can’t believe how independent he is.. he just wants to grow up so fast!

Car Personality Test August 12, 2009

Lately Ethan and Joshua have been “collecting” car logos.  They look at the cars on the street, identify the make and claim it as theirs. 

Today they were talking about what kind of car they’d want to have when they get older- the benefits and drawback of each kind of car.  The result?  Joshua said he wants to get a Volvo because it’s the strongest- he doesn’t care how much it costs or how much gas it uses- he just wants what is strongest and stronger is better than faster.  Ethan?  A Toyota because it doesn’t cost that much and he doesn’t want to spend too much on a car.  Specifically, a hybrid so he saves more money on gas.  HA….

Life-Changing Moments August 10, 2009

As I mentioned in a previous post, I have started rewarding my children’s cooperative behavior, specifically not fighting all day, with “kid coupons.”  The other day, they both chose the “Stay up late” coupon which they can use to stay up as late as they want for one night.  Being the cunning mom I am, I suggested that they use it today, a day when they had a fairly busy day with NO NAP..ha, ha, ha…. 

So they asked ot go get ice cream after dinner, which I agreed to since they didn’t have to go to bed anytime soon.  We went to get ice cream and as we were walking along outside eating our ice cream, Ethan blurts out, “Coupons have changed my life! It’s so relaxing and nice now- it used to be so miserable and sad!  I love coupons!”  HA, HA, HA!!! 

It almost made me regret having them use it on a night when I knew they’d be exhausted.  They fell asleep at 10:20. Poor kids…