What Makes It All Worthwhile… October 20, 2011
Tonight I got a delicious taste of the rewards of motherhood…
Ethan and Joshua were on my bed and Joshua started jumping on it. Ethan said, “Don’t jump on the bed because then Mommy will get asthma. We don’t want Mommy to get asthma because she’s the best Mommy in the world. We have the best Mommy in the world- I can’t imagine a better Mommy than our Mommy!”
Well, if there was ever a time to ask me for something, anything, that would have been the perfect time to ask because at that moment I would have given them anything they wanted…I was a giant gooey puddle on the floor.
After all those years of crying and wondering what I did wrong, of frustration and putting forth superhuman effort to be patient, of trying to do the best I could for them and never feeling like it was enough…it was all worth it…
Moments like that show me that all of my efforts were not in vain, and that everything I have done for my children has made a difference. It has shaped them into the human beings that they are and has shaped my relationship with them. Our bond is strong and I just hope it will be able to carry us through the rough teenage years to come.
Tonight, though, was one of only a few rare times when I’ve felt that I have done a great job raising my sons. It feels amazing!
Extracurricular Hell September 28, 2011
I knew this day would eventually come…while I’ve tried to stay out of the race to keep up with how many activities other people’s kids have signed up for, the day has finally come when I can honestly say that if the kids ask me to sign up for one more extracurricular activity, I will lose my mind.
At the moment, Joshua has a literacy class, violin class, kung fu class, and basketball practice and games. Ethan has literacy class, kung fu, art class, and basketball practice and games.
I really want my kids to not have every minute of their days scheduled with classes and homework, with no time to breathe and be bored. I truly believe that creativity and resourcefulness come from having unstuctured time to explore whatever happens to catch their interest at any given moment. I want them to be able to have time to ride their bikes in the park, to catch bugs, lay in the grass and look at the sky, to appreciate quiet time and nature. Now I find that I have to fight for this precious time for them.
When Joshua first asked me if he could take violin lessons when he was in the first grade, I tried to discourage him. I asked him to wait at least another year, but he kept begging me until I finally gave in. After three months of agonizing Friday afternoon lessons, he finally said he wanted to quit. I was ready to let him, but I had forgotten to cancel that day’s lesson. He went, and afterwards decided that he wanted to continue. I groaned inwardly and asked his reason. He said, “Because I’m not a quitter.” Well, that was that.
Then Ethan surprised me by saying yes when I asked him if he wanted to join basketball this year. He has always said that he hates anything involving a ball and really hates anything where you need to follow rules. I assumed he would say no when I asked him, so when he said yes, I couldn’t not sign him up. And even though his team has not won a single game, he is proud of himself and I am proud of him for stepping out of his comfort zone and daring to try something new.
It’s only going to get harder to maintain a balance in their lives between structured and unstructured time, but now I can see that both are necessary and have unique benefits.
But, if I have to take them to another class, I will seriously lose my mind…
Racism March 20, 2011
I never really knew what it felt like to fit in, to blend in to society, until I came to live here in Taiwan. For once in my life, I look pretty much like everyone else around me. No one stops to stare at me or give me dirty looks as I walk down the street. No one tells me to go back to “my country”. No one tries to make me feel as if I am not worthy of standing on the land where I was born. I finally feel free.
There are no words for how grateful I am that my own children will not know the kind of ignorance and hatred directed towards them as I did growing up in an Irish-Catholic neighborhood in New York. The pain of my childhood and youth reemerged after a long hiatus when I recently viewed a youtube video of a white college student on a racist rant against the Asians in her school. With that video on my mind, I was disturbed to hear Joshua saying disparaging things about an Aboriginal classmate and making generalizations about all Aboriginal people. I realized when I tried to explain why it was not okay to stereotype, that my children really have no idea what it means to be a part of a minority group in society.
Here in Taiwan, they are the majority. If anything, they are the privileged ones. Full Taiwanese blood with an American mother and an ability to speak English, a most coveted ability. They are not made fun of and disparaged- if anything they are stared at with awe and admired. Yes, this is a good thing, but is it too much of a good thing? Will they, without an understanding of what it feels like to be marginalized and discriminated against, become part of the oppressors in society?
I never wanted them to even be exposed to the ugliness that is racism- it hurts me to the core to even recall it for myself, but I feel like I will need to tell them about my past and about my experiences with racism so that they do not escape being oppressed only to become the oppressors.
So it was with a very heavy heart that I began to recount to my children the way I was made to feel like an outsider and made fun of as a child because of my ethnicity, how other people sterotyped me as being a karate-kicking, fried -rice (flied lice) eating, chopstick-using, non-English speaking heathen.
I could see my stories making an impression on their little minds. How much of an impression still remains to be seen. While it’s a conversation that will beed to be ongoing and necessary, I am not looking forward to it and I hope I will be able to find the right balance between honesty and bitterness and help my children to become culturally aware, socially conscious, global citizens.
My Little Romeo March 20, 2011
The differences in my two boys always amazes me. While Ethan is thinking of schemes to get girls to stay away from him (like not brushing his teeth in the morning and breathing his stinky breath on them, or purposely being really annoying), Joshua came home one day and said that he has a “girlfriend” and that he wanted to give her a gift. Together, we decided to give her a pretty gift box with some nice chocolates, tied with a red ribbon. He was so excited to give it to her the next day, but was so disappointed when he found out that she had gone on vacation to Japan. Ethan was so upset when he found out about what Joshua was doing (it didn’t follow his “Ethan rules”) and it took lots of threats and talking to make him not tease Joshua about it. By the time the girl came back, though, Joshua had lost his nerve and the box of chocolates stayed in his backpack for a couple of months. Finally, though, he thought of a plan to give her the gift without being embarrassed in front of his classmates. One day he woke up really early, got ready and ate breakfast, and was ready to go to school by 7am. He insisted on leaving and it wasn’t until later that I realized why- he wanted to get to the classroom before anyone else so that he could put the gift in the girl’s cubby without anyone seeing him. He did it, and even owned up to it when the teacher asked who had put it there. Afterwards, he was so proud of himself! I hope this means that he will be attentive and romantic when he grows into a man.
Interestingly enough, though, both of my kids when asked what kind of girl they liked, said that they like girls who act like boys. But the girl Joshua likes, while she may act like a boy, is still cute and well-groomed and wears skirts. Ethan said that he does not like girls who smell too nice or look too pretty because he says that means they spend all of their time trying to look nice and don’t pay much attention to their schoolwork, so they are probably not very smart. Ethan enjoys being with girls who he shares interests with. I think Joshua would like a girl who he can show off for and who would stroke his ego and admire him. I can’t wait to see if my prediction comes true!
Proud Mama March 20, 2011
Twice a year, the playgroup that some friends and I started when Ethan was only 18 months old hosts a rummage sale with proceeds going to charity. When the rummage sale first started, Ethan was a toddler and I couldn’t even have him with me while I was manning the tables. Slowly but surely, he grew and started to be more and more a part of the sale, even if it meant that he ran around with his friends while I helped sort donations of second hand clothes and toys. But as my involvement lessened, Ethan and Joshua’s has grown steadily. The first time they were given an actual job was the year one of the moms suggested that the kids run a lemonade stand to help raise more money. Ethan was on staff that first year and for every lemonade stand to come. I vividly remember the moms of the older children asking them to add up prices and make change and me thinking to myself, “He can’t even count to 20 for god’s sake!” Well, that was several years ago, and at this latest rummage sale, Ethan was one of the stand managers. He not only added up prices and made change, he stayed at the stand from start to finish without complaining, helped out the younger kids, made rounds around the rummage sale yelling out advertisements for the lemonade stand and walked around at the end selling trays of the last pastries at reduced prices. He took his job so seriously, worked hard, and was creative and assertive in his advertising. And did I mention he made change? That was a proud, proud day for me…
A Hell of a Week November 1, 2010
What a week it’s been for the kids at school. After Joshua’s attempted deception and multiple offenses at school, he has come home every day since with a similar note about something he did that day that he wasn’t supposed to, like climbing on the jungle gym and grabbing people with his legs and hitting other kids (who he says hit or pushed him, too). I don’t know which annoys me more- actually having to read these negative notes or the fact that he did these things. Today I picked up Joshua after a weekend of inculcating non-violent problem-solving solutions for various school scenarios into his brain, only to find out that there was another note in his communication book about grabbing someone with his legs.
I was so angry, at the teacher for sending this constant barrage of notes that make me feel so negatively about my son, and at Joshua for not being able to control himself.
Then Ethan came home as I was trying to collect myself and muster up some positive energy. He tells me that today the teacher was asking the class to complete sentences orally. She said, “School is a student’s ______,” and Ethan shouted out , “HELL!” in front of the whole class! What the HELL was he thinking???? Okay, I know exactly what he was thinking- he told me very clearly that he thought there was nothing wrong with his sentence and that he was only stating the honest truth…but…but…
While I love his honesty, he needs to know how to edit what he says and to learn what is appropriate in which situations and with which people. I explained that to him, but it’s funny how his thinking is still so naive. He doesn’t completely get why people don’t always state the obvious. Well, I should have expected that, since Ethan was always one to wear his heart on his sleeve.
I am hoping for a better few weeks to come….
The Good Old Days… October 27, 2010
Joshua now- almost 7!
- Joshua- 1 year old
Last night, in a quest to find a presentable photo of just my husband and I (I had to go back 5 years in the photo archives), I stumbled across photos of my children when they were just 1 and 4. Their tiny, chubby faces were so innocent and full of wonder, and their body language reminded me how dependent they were on me at that age. I found myself lingering on each photo, marvelling at how tiny their toes were, how soft their hair, how sweet their faces.
Now my children’s faces are slimmer, more angled, their toes are big and often very stinky and dirty, and their hair is sweaty and thick. Their faces are still sweet, as children’s faces will always be to their mothers, but as they grow older, I find myself dealing with more and more issues that make them seem less and less innocent.
For example, when we got home after school today, Joshua cheerily announced that today he was going to try to read his homework from his communication book all by himself. Great! I thought to myself, he’s making an effort to be more independent. He read each assignment off, I checked each one, then asked for his communication book to sign. He then started to complain about why I had to sign his book (I sign it EVERY night). I soon found out why… in his book was written a long list of offenses committed by my son today at school. So not only did he disobey his teacher and hurt some classmates, he also tried to pull the wool over my eyes with his little “I’ll read my homework by myself” scheme, which I totally bought.
After a lecture and explanation of consequences from me, and a lot of screaming and pouting from him, I sent him off to bed and I went off to my room to cool down. In situations like that, it is so hard to remember the sweet, innocent spirit that lives somewhere inside that child still, even when he is screaming “I HATE SCHOOL! I HATE MY LIFE!!”
And that’s the time to break out the old photos. Even after a stressful and frustrating day like today, those photos are cute enough to make me contemplate having a third child… and to make me remember how dependent on me my children still are on me, just in a different way. They may not need me to spoon feed them or change their diapers, but they still need me to show them the right way… to help them become good, loving human beings. The way to do that is not always so clear, but I think it will always be easier with that memory of him as an innocent baby in my mind.
I went to his room to check on him, pulled the covers over him, kissed his sweet face (children alway look sweet when they are sleeping), and returned to my room bearing tender thoughts of my youngest boy. Tomorrow his almost-7 -year-old attitude may rear it’s ugly head again, but for tonight at least, I have my baby back. And that will make tomorrow so much easier to tolerate.
Updated funny stuff April 22, 2010
Ask anyone who works with or has kids and odds are they’d say that kids really do say the funniest (and sometimes most heartwarming) things. I wish I could remember all of the things my kids say, but unfortunately my brain isn’t what it used to be!
Recently I found out how expensive our plane tickets to go back to the States was going to be and I told the kids. I told them that I probably wouldn’t have a lot of extra money for the next couple of months and maybe we shouldn’t go out to eat so much. Then Ethan said to Joshua, “So if you find any money on the floor, give it to mommy and daddy, ok? And maybe we shouldn’t brush our teeth anymore!” ( I recently started fining them 50NT a day if they forgot to brush their teeth in the morning, to go towards future dental work!)
Joshua saw me sewing with a needle and thread and said, “What is that, a hair?” I obviously don’t sew much.
This morning, I heard Joshua go into the bathroom for his morning pee. I recently put one of those blue disks in the toilet that makes the water blue. He shouted, “Look! I made green!” Then Ethan joined him and said, “Wow! Let me pee too and then it’ll be really, really green!”
Ethan has started the habit of making up his own holidays. First it was “Happy Family Night” when we’d all do something together like go out somewhere or watch a movie and eat popcorn. Recently it was Happy Earth Day, when we were not supposed to eat meat or drive our cars ( I guess he got the idea from the realy Earth Day). The next holiday coming up is “Lazy Day” when we will all just be lazy and relaxed and do whatever we want. I’m looking forward to that one! When I said, “But what about meals?” Ethan answered, “Your sons will help you!” Good answer!
A Love for Reading or Fear of Mommy’s Wrath? April 18, 2010
Recently, all these thoughts of how my kids are forming their reading habits have been weighing on my mind and I have been filled with self-doubt about how I am approaching it. Well, all of the pressure that has been building up inside me came exploding out this morning.
Being that it was Sunday, I was trying to sleep in a bit later than usual. I kept getting woken up, however, by my kids who wanted to play DS. I told them through my sleepy daze that they needed to earn more time, since they had used up all of their time the day before. Then Joshua kept coming back every few minutes asking, “How many minutes did I read for?”
Later on, after we had all been up for a while and they had been playing all morning and were getting really rowdy, I said, “Ok, let’s have some quiet reading time now.” After a bit of whining, they both went off with their books. Then my dear husband comes in and starts playing video games. Joshua, who was in the same room, immediately puts down his book and wants to watch daddy play. Of course, I gave my husband a dirty look and told him that I had just asked the kids to read. Then Joshua starts whining that he doesn’t want to read and that was it. I told him that of he does not want to read, then he shouldn’t read. I took away his book, then proceeded to go through their room and take away all of the books that I could find. I told them not to read at all anymore and that I was not going to read to them at night anymore, either.
Maybe that was a bit of an overreaction, but I was so sick of being the only one in the house who seems to value and enjoy reading. I was so sick of always putting so much effort into finding books that I think my kids might enjoy and trying to get them interested in reading them. I was so tired of all the resistance and so disappointed in them and in myself. I felt like a huge failure… me, a teacher who is supposed to teach my students to be lifelong readers and writers, and I can’t even get my own children to enjoy it… I felt like I had done everything I could and I was just giving up.
I gave everyone the cold shoulder for a while after that. I fought my tears of anger and frustration. It seems silly.. all this because my kids didn’t want to read? But it was more than that. I felt like I was mourning the death of a dream- the dream that one day my children would enjoy reading as much as I do. Reading has always been a sanctuary for me- a safe place to explore new ideas, and sometimes to just escape into another world. I have always been passionate about it. How could I have ended up with children who don’t feel the same way? Where did I go wrong?
My children came to me to apologize and said that they wanted to read. I told them that I do not want them to read if they do not enjoy it. Joshua said, “But I love reading!” I didn’t buy it.
We ended up going to Taipei 101 after that and ended up at the book store. The kids showed huge enthusiasm for books from a series they had started reading and begged us to buy some for them. I told them to ask their dad. They kept saying, “I can’t wait to read these! They’re so interesting and cool!” I just kept feigning indifference. Then when we stopped off at Starbucks for a snack, they asked, “Can we read our books while we’re waiting?” When I said ok, they said, “Yay!” and read the entire time.
At one point, Joshua smiled at me and said, “Daddy’s plan worked!” I said, “What do you mean?” And he said, “Now you’re happy again!”
So what was that? Were they just trying to appease me? They did seem a bit overzealous in their reading… they each finished an entire book by the time we got home and kept talking about how cool their books were. Did they really enjoy it? Should I even care? Will they keep reading like they did today? Should I keep telling them NOT to read and will that make them finally want to read??
To be continued….
